I got a call at the airport, 5 days ago, 15 minutes before boarding the plane, I was about to be away from home for 2 days. Joakim took Jossan to the computer tomography that morning.
And there it was, they said what I dreaded, what they saw was metastases in the lungs. I stayed composed actually and asked how about the previous x-ray that actually looked similar to this new one before the computer tomography (they did not do it last time, thought it was only age-related changes). Yes, now they were not sure, now it was more, but maybe it was already last August she had metastases, just less. Maybe.
I thanked them, asked to send the detailed report to Jossan’s oncologist and said I understand that of course the operation is off. What does it help to remove a small lumps, when there are evil cells in the lungs.
I sat frozen and empty in my head. Joakim called then and was so sad. He hoped they would not call me, but only him, he told them specifically to call only him, he planned not to tell me the news if it was bad before I was back home. But they did call me anyway.
I said to Jocke, I will contact Patricio, ask for advice (Jossan’s oncologist). I PM:ed Patricio, and he answered very fast. I was waiting to board that plane. He was very nice and comforting and said he was sorry. I asked what can we do, is there some more medicines we can give her, but not so that it has bad side effects, she must have good life. I said also I do not understand, she looks like a picture of health, she was outside yesterday, took a walk with me in the garden. I was thinking – her coat is shiny, her eyes are clear, she is full of life, her muscles are perfect, her body is strong. I cannot comprehend it at all.
Jossan on a short walk in our garden, late March 2017
Patricio asked me about the dose of Metacam (COX-2 inhibitor she is on), and I said 1,5 markings, she weighs 3,4 kg. He said, give her 2 markings. He said she can live a good life for some time longer, in spite of the metastases.
Then we exchanged virtual hugs, I thanked him and went to my flight.
I was very sad being away from Jossan for those two days and nights, I thought a lot about her, about life and death. Yes, Jossan is ‘just a cat’, but she has a soul that is equal to a human soul, I believe in that. And she is my soulmate. There is love and I have been lucky to love and be loved in my life, and then there is something a bit different, that special connection that transcends love, call it a soulmate or whatever.
And now my Jossan is dying. But aren’t we who are alive all both living and dying, we never know how much we have left. We are both living and approaching our end all the time. Now I just know that her end is closer than I hoped for.
We can make moments count. And even when you are not physically next to someone, you still are together in another way. I do not know if animals feel it that way, I barely know how other people feel it. But there must be more to connections between us than having them activated just when being close in space.
Jossan and me, the evening I arrived back home
We live our lives, the spring is here, and we go to the garden when it is warm enough for that, otherwise, we are inside together when I am at home.
I hope for a long beautiful summer.