Still no answers

The veterinary called me this morning, and – they still do not know what the x-ray show. The radiologist could not exclude metastases on the lungs, but could not tell that they are that for sure either, so we will go to CT, computed tomography exam. They should call me from the animal clinic tomorrow to book a time for that hopefully on Monday.

If Jossan has metastases, we will not operate. If she does not, we will.

That sounds so simple. It is really a simple decision to make when we know the answers, but it is not easy. It is hard on our hearts.

It takes so much time, all the exams, we are in the limbo. But she does not know, she is fine. ❤

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Two weeks later

Last two and a half weeks went both fast and slow, part like a dream, part like a nightmare. At moments it was very painful, sometimes I felt sedated by chemicals produced by my own body. We have capabilities to both hurt and heal.

Our focus shifted from primarily grieving to taking care of Jossan. After her second operation she got complications – a part of her cut would not heal, and close. The infection she got was cured by antibiotics she got, but the edges of the cut healed each for itself, and did not meet here and there.

I feel that she was not sewn that carefully after the operation, the upper part of her chest was sewn so-so; I tried to tighten the knots after a week, and managed with a lot of patience and work. Jossan trusts us 110% and was calm and waited for me to untie and then tie again the problematic knots of her stitches. That helped, the cut healed, but not everywhere. We went to the vet twice again, and they booked a surgery (the third one!) acutely in case the hole does not close, on 30th of December.
The hole did not close, partly because of the too eager nurse who cut of about 1-1,5cm from the thread ends on our second visit, in spite of my objections (“It is plastic, it irritates her skin”, she said.” Yes, but it will get untied”, I said, “there is a reason that surgeons leave them that long!”). She cut them of anyway, and the stitches went off in the evening and Jossan got to have a surgery.

On her revision surgery they trimmed the edges of her skin that did not close and pulled them together and sewed them again. My poor cat got to recover for two weeks longer than we expected at the first place.

The biggest problem in her recovery was not the hole that would not close; it was that she got depressed and would not eat, LillMupp’s death made her very sad, he was closest to her of all the cats. So, I fed her, carried her around on me, lied next to her during the days and nights. She was so sad, we were sad. It all was dark.

Yesterday, finally, the hole (that was not sewed properly again, IMO, and I tightened it, again!), closed and Jossan started eating more and more. I see it finally turning for the better and the future looking brighter.

The good news is also that they did not find any cancer on her other side. The tumour she had there was benign. That and the fact that all was discovered early and removed early, gives her relatively good prognoses, for a cancer type that usually has medium to very poor prognoses.

I hope she will heal fast now, when she started eating on her own (I do not have to feed her for hand all the time anymore) and the cut is closing. The most important is that she got stronger than her sorrow. She is very tough.

I still am very sad and grieving. It will take time to think about it less, but feelings of love and pain and loss will always be there. They will move more to the background with time.

20160106Jossan

Jossan, January 2016, recovering

My ever rational brain figured out one thing while I was half-asleep two nights ago; after LillMupp died, I felt like swimming in dark cold waters under a night sky without stars all the time. That night in my bed my mind understood which is the straw I’ll be grabbing.

My straw was Jossan and her little warm body next to me, in the bed. There is so much beauty in love between her and me, that gives me physical feeling of energy and light and warmth in my heart. I love my husband and my other cats very much, but right then it was Jossan and her loving me, and her needing me and me helping her and loving her and nourishing her back to health that became my straw and the source of love and beauty I felt in my heart again, in the middle of all the sadness and darkness.

Cats are healers

I was sad lately, and, although I think that our cats are very affectionate every day, I noticed a change in intensity, especially with Albert and Jossan.

Jossan is following me as a post stamp follows a letter, from the moment I come home from work to the next morning when I depart to work again. She even talks to me in new ways. Albert comes and takes care of my hair and has cuddling sessions more often than usual. All of our cats are loving and I love them all the same, but Jossan and Albert are a bit special in a way, they don’t care about other humans as much as they care about me.

When Jossan sits in my lap while I write mails or make jewelry, I feel happy and content. I thought about that recently at one point when I became aware of the whole situation and how good I felt, with my little loving cat in my lap – that was happiness in one of its forms, right there, right then.

Jossan, in Jelena's lap

Jossan, focused, in Jelena’s lap

Jossan: "Helping my human"

Jossan: “Helping my human. That pearl does not fit there!”

Jocke got his working corner in our living room recently, where he, in his turn, set up a cuddling corner for our cats. It is mostly Maven and Leroy that sit there while Jocke works on his hobby projects.

Jossan, helping Jelena

Maven, snuggling close to Jocke

First plants on the balcony

Today we had one sunny day after a lot of rain and cold last week, so we tried to arrange the balcony a bit. We want to grow plants that cats like to eat (like lettuce and Roman salad), also, herbs that we use in cooking and flowers that are not poisonous to cats.

It is a whole summer project, I guess, but the first plants (if I do not count pelargoniums that hang outside of the net, towards the street) have moved to the balcony today.

Albert: “Work fascinates me. I can watch humans work for hours and hours.”

The cats smelled the plants carefully (that is, all cats except Albert; Albert chewed on everything but rosemary). Jossan chewed on some salad as well. The cats seem to appreciate our efforts (or, at least, they do not complain, and they showed a lot of interest in gardening).

“Rosemary, what is that good for?”

“Salad, on the other hand…”

“… yes, salad is tasty!”

Miii: “Hmmm, lavender…”

“… yuck! That is probably not edible (if you are not Albert, that is)! It smells like a hand soap!”

Leroy, The King

Last Sunday in November

Less than a month is left to Christmas! We started putting the decorations; so far the new curtains are up and yesterday we put the stars in the windows.

Our little helpers in action:

A black smoke bun, someone?

I have no clue how Maven manages to fit in such small boxes and baskets!

Albert, giving a helping paw as always:

My humans have no sense of composition!

Our cats adore the blankets we use during the winter; they are soft and cosy.

The Siamese pile

Albert wants in!

There is a reason that our cattery name is La Voix. Siamese in general are more talkative than other cats, and our Siamese are very vocal when they want something. Leroy especially has a very strong voice that almost all of his and Jossan’s offspring got. It is not like our cats are yelling or being loud often. But they do express their opinions loud and clear!

Albert loves to be close to the kittens. They are very small and have one room where they can be left alone with their mom. Other cats can come and join them when we are there, and they like to sit and watch the small ones.

When we get up in the mornings, this is where Albert is, telling us that he wants to go in and see his siblings!!!

Let me in!!!

And today he sat in there for a long time, watching his mom and the small wonders and then, very carefully and gently, he sat in with them in the tipi! He was there for a few minutes, then I took him out so that Jossan could stretch a bit. He was melting with love, he adores them!

Mom, I'm your baby, too!

We also have a big kitten house that we got from Germany, but it is too soon for them to move in there. They have to be better at crawling first. They must be close to their mom where it is warm, and she prefers small spaces with roof, she feels that they are warm and safe there. I’ve learnt a lot from my cat about what is good for kittens.

Bliss!

We are very happy with Albert’s temper and I hope that his future kittens will get it from him. He is almost one year old, fertile and very capable as a tomcat, but he is not spraying at all and he is seldom restless. He is very cuddly with us, especially with me. He can be upset and yell sometimes, but that is when we do something wrong.

Help with the curtains

Our cats love to participate in everything we do.

Usually they are pretty careful and just look at us doing things, being supportive, but sometimes they cannot resist the urge to get involved. They are so helpful, it is in their nature! Here is Albert, helping me with the curtains…

We lived in an apartment earlier, which we arranged in a bit sterile, modern style, but this house requires different style and it takes some time to live in it and feel what suites the interior. It is fun to arrange things, and all the help makes it so much easier… hm. Or, does it? Well, this is how that window turned out, not so bad we think.

Butterfly curtains

We are arranging one of the rooms as ‘the kitty room’, where we keep their furniture, clean towels, beds, some of our books etc.

In the future this is where we will have the kittens when they are small. Right now the litter boxes are also there, but we will place them in the cellar later.

We kept the wallpaper on one wall (put by the previous house owners). This was one of their children rooms, and there are butterflies on the wallpaper. We thought it looks cute in the kitty room.

We also bought a curtain with butterflies as well and yesterday we put that up. Ribbons were highly appreciated!

(För er som bor i Sverige – vi köpte gardinen här: hissgardin Audrey . Jag tror att det finns tyg och gardinlängder med samma mönster).

Albert and his siblings turned 8 months yesterday. They all are big and healthy and loved.

Here is Albert, enjoying the new curtain!

Cats helping with Christmas decorations

The big Christmas tree is up! It is made of good  German plastic and steel, 215 cm tall, sturdy and elastic, it stands firm in spite of Maven and Albert climbing on it and poking all the ornaments around.

Miii and Albert are sitting pretty

Albert climbing the tree

Albert is turning 7 months tomorrow. That kitten must have the bluest eyes in the universe!

Moving soon

The moving company truck is coming in 8 hours. We still have so much to pack and also, we have to disassemble some pretty big pieces of furniture. We have 2 more weeks to move, but then we have to do it ourselves, by car. We are trying to pack as much as we can now.

The cats are helping, of course!

Miii is checking if everything is closed properly.

‘You are not leaving without me!’

Leroy is tired, he has been helping us all day. Albert and Jossan are taking a nap as well:

I am tired and just now I wish I were one of my cats…

Back to packing!

Packing (or -‘helping paws’)

After every box we pack we have to make sure that no cat somehow jumped in and tried to hide. Cats like boxes. Albert is smaller and a bit hard to notice. Here, we documented how at one occasion Jossan helped us find him and, also, tried to pull him out of the box he managed to break into!

“I see you!” (Jossan managed to locate Albert)

“Mau mau mauuu” (“Get out!”)

“Mrauauauauuauuu” (“I am getting him out! Look, matte!”)

And then I took Albert out of the box which we closed again and put under another box that he cannot break into (or so we believe…).

Little helpers

JossanLookingInTheBag

Last Friday we got a surprise package from Danijela!

LeroyAndJossanPlayingWithCandy

Oooh, how happy we got when we discovered tons and tons of some of Jelena’s favorite candy in the bag!

The cats were helping tremendously. They love to organize stuff, though we often have different opinions on what “to organize” means.