Heartbroken

My love, my soulmate, my best friend is gone. I am heartbroken and cannot stop crying.

She was stable for a long time and her health deteriorated fast on her last day on Earth. Her heart and spirit were strong, but the breathing became laboured and fast. I did not want her to suffer.
She was given oxygen to stabilize her, she purred and cuddled with me and then I made the hardest decision ever. She fell asleep being kissed and petted by me and Joakim, calmly in my arms after the medical help from a kind veterinary.
I am broken. A part of me has died.
I was lucky to have met her, not many are blessed with such a connection with an another living being in their lifetime.
10 years for far too short, but I loved her and was loved back every day during that time and I believe she had a good life.
This is the last picture I took of her, two days before she died. She was lying in a cuddly blanket in one of her favourite spots, I played with her and Albert with the Christmas decorations. She was the Queen until the end.
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I am heartbroken. I feel physical pain in my chest. I miss her and love her forever. Forever in my heart. My Jossan.
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Heartbreak

Last Monday we lost our beloved LillMupp (SE*La Voix Dexter), Jossans grandchild, Claire’s only kitten. He was only 2 years old. Joakim and I feel broken.

LillMupp <3

LillMupp ❤

LillMupp had an amazing personality and was very beautiful. All cats loved him and he loved them. He had a happy childhood and was adored and loved whole of his life.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas with LillMupp 2013, 2 years ago

He liked all humans and greeted everyone that came to our house.

LillMupp December 2014

LillMupp, December 2014

LillMupp went down in weight recently, about three weeks ago, or four. He ate and drank water, seemed otherwise ok. We took him to the veterinary, he listened to his heart and lungs, all sounded normal. He ran blood tests and saw signs of an ongoing infection and anaemia. LillMupp was tested negative against the usual FeLV/FIV, viruses, parasites etc and we repeated the tests for viruses there. Negative. Sent in tests for different kinds of bacteria (mycoplasma) to a bigger lab, and gave him medicines immediately as if he had mycoplasma hemofelis (that can give that clinical picture). Ronaxane and also he got Prednisolone. Where could he get that from? He was not exhibited, did not go outside, and no other cats were sick. He did date three otherwise healthy girls, tested for all he was as well. He had no symptoms of anything, but that low weight. He was actually a bit constipated that day, but went on the litterbox just before we went to the vet.

He got better on medications. He went dramatically up in weight and we were happy. The results came back negative for the lab, no mycoplasma of any kind, but it could have been some other bacteria or a virus. The important thing was he was getting up in weight. He played and all. Then last Sunday, a week ago, almost 2 weeks after the first veterinary visit, he started breathing oddly. Why, we wondered. He did not want to eat himself that evening, so I fed him. He liked to eat from my hand, he was brought up as a single kitten and very attached to us.
On Monday morning I did not think he seemed better, so Joakim took him to the vet, acutely. Jossan followed. I thought that they should take a look at her cut after her other surgery, I did not think it looked as it should, too much discharge was coming out of it, but she seemed otherwise fine. I did not go with them, since I was pretty sick with flu or something like that and in bed, could barely speak.

The agony began when Joakim called me and said that they saw some liquid in LillMupp’s abdomen on x-rays. After that he was taken to the ultrasound examination to a cardiologist. And then Joakim called me and said that they can not save LillMupp, that his abdomen is filled with fluid, that his lungs are filled with fluid, that his heart is not working, that he has a both sided heart failure and that even if he was in intensive care for a long time, the chances to save his life were almost non existing, and even if they would succeed, he would never have a good live afterwards, since his heart could not be fixed.

I jumped in the taxi I called and cried my eyes out on the way to the hospital to say farewell to LillMupp The cab driver was trying to be sympathetic and when he understood through my sobbing why I was crying he said – well, you can get another cat. I just cried and cried.

Joakim, Jossan and LillMupp were in a room made for the final farewell. It was pretty dark with electrical candles giving some light. I collected myself and was silent as much as I could before I went in so I would not give more anxiety to LillMupp and Jossan. Talked to a veterinary myself. I could not believe he could not be saved. He could not. I did not want him to suffer. I have an enormous respect for life. When I was small I killed a fly by mistake with my pen and cried for hours, my mom was annoyed, my dad consoled me. A life is precious. And my cats’ lives, I would do anything to save them. There is no money that would be too much for that. But he suffered so much, he was in pain, he could not breath properly, he was purring, to diminish pain, and happy to see me.

We arranged so that his beloved grandmother Jossan would lie next to him and Joakim held his head and kissed him and I held his paws and body and kissed him, and Jossan licked him, and the veterinary gave him sedative and painkiller and we were there in a long hugging and kissing moment for a while.

Then when we were ready, we moved Jossan from there back to her travelling cage, to spare her from the shock or fear or anxiety of the departure to come. Then the veterinary came back in and gave him the final injection that stopped his precious, big, warm, and ill heart. I was not sure when it stopped, he showed no signs of pain, it was just like he fell asleep. Jossan howled in the middle of it all, it was a sound she never made before, it was like a wolf howling at the moon, an ancient, very primitive kind of scream, pulling the strength from the bottom of her abdomen and lungs. We think that is when his soul departed from his body. Joakim was thinking – was it that he stopped breathing, and she reacted to that, what was it. We do not know. Some things we might never understand.

He will be cremated and we will get his ashes home in a few weeks. We will have our pets ashes buried with us one day. I will think more about that later. His ashes will be in the house with us until then.

The veterinary thought that it could be that his heart just got weaker and weaker with time and then he compensated for it until it was too late. Some infection might or might not have contributed to that. Probably not, but it did not matter anymore. He did not have any offspring.

The pain after his death was physical. I would wake up every few hours after I managed to get asleep, with chests burning from pressure and pain. Cried until half of my eyelashes fell of, and I was dehydrated. Tried to find answers online after a day or two, why it hurts so much, what to do, I felt I will never manage to go on. I found one good site that helped me understand that others who love and have lost their pets feel like I do. ‘Pet’… he was a family member! Our cats are our children, our friends. It is a good site, please read here.

I am trying to understand my grief and understand who I am; grief for atheists and theists is the same in pain, but the consolation is different. I am brought up by Christian parents (dad was an atheist as younger), but I thought that I am an atheist – there is no better place and rainbow bridge after death in my world. Sometimes I feel that being an atheist is a form of masochism. And being a theist is lying to yourself.

I am neither. I KNOW that energy cannot be destroyed or made. That is a fact.

LillMupp is still with us, he has just changed his form. He also lives in our memories, in our hearts.

My dad told me once (not to me directly, but about his views. It was before he denounced his atheism and went back to being Christian) – “do not bring flowers to my grave and visit it often after I die. I won’t care. Be nice to me while I am alive”. That was one of those sentences that influenced who I am today. I want to love and be nice to my beloved ones while they are here with me. I love my husband and my cats and try to make the most of it every day. Flowers on the grave are not meaningless though – they are for the living left behind, we have to live with our sorrows and grief. But I do believe that there are things we do not know, and that it all makes some more sense than a big nothingness and oblivion afterwards.

Energy cannot be created or destroyed, but it can be transformed from one form to another. LillMupp will always be with us. My love for him is forever. But his loss hurts so much, I am crying through the whole text I have typed here. I did not want to write about this on my blog before, and I could not. This happened only a few days before Christmas and I did not want to spread the sorrow and pain we feel. I love LillMupp forever.

In memoriam – Affe

We are not the same species, but our souls are made of the same matter.

There are both animals and humans I loved that are not among us anymore and I miss them greatly. I believe they did not just disappear into nothingness. I believe the soul is eternal. I am an atheist, but that has nothing to do with my beliefs.

I miss them so much, those beautiful souls, that loved unconditionally and were loved back.

♥  I love you, Affe, and I know that your Mom you chose yourself loved you enormously. You lived a life way too short, but you were loved from its start to its end more than many that walked this Earth. Love you, always. We will meet again. ♥ 

Love and care for your dear ones every day, you never know how much time we have left together on this Earth.

Alfred, Albert’s and Claire’s brother from A-litter died February 4th. He was born May 23, 2010. He was an emotional, generous, expressive, loving cat with opinions and when his future Mom came to us and met all the seven kittens, he went to her and sat in her lap. He chose her (he never did that to anyone else that came to visit us during their first three months of life). There was a connection and affection between his Mom and him from the moment they met. We are glad that he got to spend all the time he had in his short life with her, her little daughter and his sister Ada, also from the first litter.

Affe and Ada, summer 2011

It took me almost two weeks to gather strength to write that he died. I cried every night and during the days. The worst part is that I know how much Alfred was loved by his family and how much he will be missed. He lived way too short life, but it was a good life, filled with much love.

He was let go on the operating table, where the veterinaries tried to operate a rare form of abdominal cancer that progressed fast, that no one of the cats behind him in recent generations had and that he had no other risks for (FeLV or FIV virus). There is no known genetic component to that awful disease, but Siamese may be more prone to it than other races. It was too late, and he could not be saved, nor his life prolonged more than days. He was let go, and never woke up.

Affe will always be loved and never forgotten. ♥ He brought so much joy and love to people around him, and that is how he will be remembered.

A few pictures of Affe, when he was a kitten, taken 2,5 years ago.

Alfred, 11 weeks

Alfred, 11 weeks, August 2010

Alfred, 11 weeks

Alfred, 11 weeks, August 2010

Alfred, 11 weeks

Alfred, 11 weeks, August 2010